On the Brink of Fatherhood

It's crunch time.  The buzzer sounded and we've gone into overtime.  Our little baby boy's due date was three days ago on March 27th and he's still in the womb trying to build as much suspense as he can so that everyone will remember his birthday.

But even though Whitney and I are extremely anxious to bring the baby into the world, the past few days have served to be very reflective for me.  I've said it many times before over the past few months, but things are starting to get very real.

As Whitney and I have made preparations here and there, it became more and more apparent to me that we'll soon have a little baby boy for whom we are solely responsible.  When we went shopping for baby clothes, I would hold up a shirt with a bass guitar and think it would be so cool to get for our little boy, and then when I'd pull it out of the shopping bag on the way home,  it would strike me that soon there will be a little body wearing this shirt.

Working on the nursery made things very real to me.  We found our crib and changing table only a few weeks after finding out that Whitney was pregnant. We also decided early on that we wanted to paint one of the walls of the soon-to-be-nursery a sky blue, so that was our next task.  We then went about finding a rocking chair, a dresser, and everything else that goes into a nursery.  After many weeks and months, the room was finally finished and ready for a new occupant.

I have to say that when the nursery was finished, I had to take a step back and smile because of the work we had done.  This little room was going to be somewhere that we'll spend a lot of time with our baby boy--especially Whitney--and we really did our best to make it feel like home.  With the help of Whitney's sisters and sister-in-law, we were able to decorate the crib area with a colorful banner and an origami crane mobile that I managed to hang from the ceiling without falling off the ladder.

It was also very important to us that we have a picture of Jesus in the room, so we mounted one of Whitney's favorites just above the changing table.  Above the picture we hung a photo of the Mt. Timpanogos Temple that was taken the day of our wedding, which to me is honestly better than any picture that could have been purchased at a store.  Finally, next to the picture of the Savior is a small mirror, so that the baby can look at himself while being held and changed and see himself next to his Elder Brother.

Yes, I'm very happy with the room.  I'm also sure we went overboard in some cases, but as a first time parent I'm completely alright with that.  Not only did we buy the Angelcare baby monitor that detects sound, temperature, and whether or not the baby is moving so as to prevent SIDS, we also decided to get a video monitor that I mounted on the wall so that we can check on the baby any time at night.  It is actually very handy and can be accessed from our laptops or from an iPhone app.  Knowing how we were when we transitioned our puppy into another room, I know that we'll be pretty paranoid about our baby in his crib at night for the first little while, and it will be nice to quickly calm any fears by checking up on him without waking him up by opening the door.

But preparing ourselves physically is only a small part of what is to come.  It has been so crazy for me to think about the this next week.  Within the next few days, I will be changing diapers.  I'll be rocking and singing a little baby to sleep.  I'll be burping him over my shoulder.  I'll be a daddy.

I have had a lot of time to think about this, mostly while laying in bed in the middle of the night.  I feel like a movie reel is constantly rolling through my head.  During my sleeping and waking moments, I have visions of loading a baby into his car seat, holding him on my lap to play with him, pushing him in a stroller, and just looking into his beautiful, shining eyes.

While I'm also terrified of being responsible for another life, I am extremely excited to be a father and can honestly say that I am looking forward to it with bated breath.  Over the past year of being married and the time leading up to it after Whitney became a part of my life, I have been happier than I can remember.  I'm sure that the same thing will happen when our little boy officially joins our family, and my level of happiness will skyrocket.  I am so blessed to have such a wonderful opportunity to be a dad and am so thankful for my incredible wife and everything she has had to endure during this long pregnancy.

Let the adventure begin!

A Fair Share of Goodbyes

To say that the past few weeks have been full of changes would be an understatement, and all of those changes have resulted in my having to say goodbye more often than I can remember in such a short period.

As I mentioned in my last post, I recently changed positions at my job and am now working in the RSA Security division of EMC.  This change in position was truly a blessing for me, and has provided me with a way to more easily support my family and prepare for our baby boy, who will be due in just a few short months.  My new role is a lot less stressful, and is right in line with my career path for which I got my degree.

But even though this was such a good move for me to make, it was still extremely difficult to leave the team that I’ve been working with for almost two years now.  This probably sounds strange because we’re all still in the same building, but within the different divisions there is a sort of culture, and I have grown very familiar with it and have gained friends from all over the globe from Boston to Australia to Ireland because of it.

It has also been difficult to transition from my last role as an escalation point.  In my last post I explained in detail—probably too much detail, I’m sure—what my previous position entailed.  I was what is referred to as a Subject Matter Expert, or SME, which means that I was an escalation point and mentor for a specific technology called Fully Automated Storage Tiering, or FAST.  After another colleague from Utah and I became SMEs, our two mentors in Boston moved up the corporate ladder and we became the primary escalation points.  Because of how busy the work was, their positions were never backfilled, and although I was able to teach a few training courses on the subject, nobody else were ever raised to SME status.

When I “gave my two weeks,” I agreed to remain in my old seat for some extra time to act solely as a mentor and trainer.  During that time, I wrote training articles and PowerPoint presentations, built out a Support Wiki with tutorials on troubleshooting FAST cases, and worked with my team to help them take and work cases in which I specialized.

But there eventually came the time where we went our separate ways.  Because EMC leased additional space in our building, most of the divisions changed their locations in the building and my old team moved upstairs to the new area.  The RSA team, who was at that time on the 3^rd floor, moved down to the area adjacent to where I had been sitting since I was hired.

Even though the physical move itself wasn’t too bad, it was surprisingly very hard to say goodbye to my old team.  Many of them have become some of my closest friends, and it was hard to think that I wouldn’t be able to sit and chat in person with them while I worked each day.  Again, I’m surprised at how hard it was because they are now only a floor away, and I am still able to go up to their area to assist every now and again, and with our company’s instant messaging setup we are still to chat with each other any time.

I am also pleased to say that my new team is really great as well, and in the short time that I have worked with them I have already really grown to like them and know that it will be exciting to work with them.  They are very knowledgeable but also very down to earth and humble when working with me, and are not condescending in any way that I am newer to the ball game.  My new manager is also incredible.  She was my manager in my old division until she moved over to RSA about six months ago, and has been so kind to me.  She has been very close with me and has made sure to keep updated on our baby’s progress and is so excited for us.  She even gave us a wedding present when I got married!

However, this leads me to other goodbyes that came about.  As part of accepting my new job, I was required to fly out to Reston, Virginia, for two weeks to be trained on the product that I will be supporting.  My manager decided that it would be best for me to go in January so that I would be back with plenty of time for the baby to be born.  It would also be easier to go this month than wait until we have a new baby that I would also have to leave behind.  Making the trip now will also really help me to dive in head first with my new position and really grasp it as soon as possible.

At this very moment I am sitting in the Salt Lake City airport waiting for my first flight to Denver after having endured the hardest 24 hours I’ve had in a long time.

My wife Whitney has been extremely supportive of this position change and even this business trip because she knows that everything I’m doing is for the benefit of our family and is truly the best move for us at this time.  She has really helped me feel alright with leaving, even though I’ve been plagued with guilty feelings since I found out about trip, knowing that I was leaving my pregnant wife home alone for two full weeks.

Somehow I was able to go about my days until the trip without stressing too much, probably because I forced the thoughts to the back of my mind to deal with them when I had to.  But I knew the day would come when I would be leaving, and knew how hard it was going to be.

Whitney and I have known each other for about a year and a half now, and will have our one-year wedding anniversary on February 1^st, the day that I return from my trip.  During that time, the longest that we’ve ever been apart was for the one week when I was sent to Boston for FAST SME training.  After our marriage we’ve only spent one night apart, which was when my band played a show in Roosevelt, UT, and the band and I were put up in a hotel because our performance ended after midnight and it was about a three-hour drive home.

Because of this, we both knew that it was going to be really hard to say goodbye for such a long time.  This increased exponentially by knowing that Whitney is in her third trimester.

But to make the trifecta of goodbyes complete, my brother Easton is leaving on his two-year mission to Aguascalientes, Mexico, on Wednesday.  He has been preparing for his mission for a very long time and is such an incredible example to me.  Without a doubt I can say that he is very ready for his mission, and has prepared for it even more than I have for mine by studying the scriptures and the Preach My Gospel manual on a daily basis for weeks now and by attending the temple regularly with family and friends.

I was so disappointed when I found out that I would be missing his farewell talk in church the Sunday before he left because I would be on an airplane, and that I would not get to send him off.  But last Thursday Easton asked me to give him a Priesthood blessing to help him with his mission, which I was only too grateful to do.  It was such a humbling experiencing getting to place my hands on his head, jointly with my dad and brother-in-law, to give him a blessing of comfort, peace, and strength.

Also because I was leaving, Easton chose to come to our house last night to give me my own private goodbye.  It was very touching that he would do such a thing, and that he spent time with me, my wife, and my crazy dog before he left.

We talked about his mission and his preparation, and had a great chat.  We then said our goodbyes, and we all cried openly.  Believe it or not, with how hard it was for us to say goodbye, I think our dog Bronx took it the hardest.  He is very keen on emotions and sensed something was going on, and when Easton left our house Bronx bounded out with him and dashed down the stairs and down the sidewalk as if he expected to go with him.  After capturing him and saying another tearful goodbye to Easton, we went inside and Bronx sat at the door and cried.  This wasn’t the same whine as “I’m hungry” or “I’m bored, play with me,” it was a sadness in seeing Easton go.  It was funny and heart wrenching at the same time.

But even with how difficult it was to say goodbye, it was so wonderful to know that Easton was leaving to dedicate the next two years of his life to serving the Lord and being a literal representative of Jesus Christ.  I was—and am—so proud of him, and I just know that he is going to do miraculous things down in Mexico, and that the Lord is preparing people down there as we speak to learn of the Gospel through his words.

Even though I won’t get to be there for his send off, I will get to call him before he leaves to say goodbye once more, and have also packed paper, envelopes, and stamps so that I can send him some letters while I’m gone.

But now back to the most difficult goodbye of all:  saying goodbye to my sweet wife.  After Easton left our house, I can honestly say that it was difficult to keep it together, and a lot of tears were shed.  She is worried about me and my safety, I am worried about her and her safety, and we’re both sad at the fact that we will be so far away from each other for so long.  But I had the wonderful opportunity to give her a Priesthood blessing last night as well, which I believe really helped us both.

It is difficult for me to even fathom how it will be to sleep in a bed alone and be so far away from the person I love more than anyone else.  To me, two weeks feels like an eternity.  But I am so grateful that I will get to see her again soon and that, until then, I will be able to remain in contact with her on the phone and through text messages and even Apple Facetime if we want to.

I am also so grateful for the power of prayer and knowing that Heavenly Father will take care of the ones I love while I am gone.  It is truly a test of my faith to understand and believe in this principle, but I sincerely know that my prayers will be answered.

While saying all of these goodbyes has been very difficult, I know that I am where I need to be right now, because I am doing this for my family.  Because of that knowledge, I am going to get out to Virginia and work my very hardest to grasp the concepts and information as quickly and comprehensively as possible, so that I may come home and apply my knowledge to assist my career even further, and to know that this trip and this heartache was not in vain.

I also know that my faith and testimony will increase dramatically from being away from my sweet wife for so long, as it will cause me to depend on the Lord more than I have been recently, and to trust in His power.  And when I get home, I know that I will take Whitney in my arms and never want to let her go again, because I am certain that our love for each other is going to increase tenfold over the next fourteen days.