On the Brink of Fatherhood

It's crunch time.  The buzzer sounded and we've gone into overtime.  Our little baby boy's due date was three days ago on March 27th and he's still in the womb trying to build as much suspense as he can so that everyone will remember his birthday.

But even though Whitney and I are extremely anxious to bring the baby into the world, the past few days have served to be very reflective for me.  I've said it many times before over the past few months, but things are starting to get very real.

As Whitney and I have made preparations here and there, it became more and more apparent to me that we'll soon have a little baby boy for whom we are solely responsible.  When we went shopping for baby clothes, I would hold up a shirt with a bass guitar and think it would be so cool to get for our little boy, and then when I'd pull it out of the shopping bag on the way home,  it would strike me that soon there will be a little body wearing this shirt.

Working on the nursery made things very real to me.  We found our crib and changing table only a few weeks after finding out that Whitney was pregnant. We also decided early on that we wanted to paint one of the walls of the soon-to-be-nursery a sky blue, so that was our next task.  We then went about finding a rocking chair, a dresser, and everything else that goes into a nursery.  After many weeks and months, the room was finally finished and ready for a new occupant.

I have to say that when the nursery was finished, I had to take a step back and smile because of the work we had done.  This little room was going to be somewhere that we'll spend a lot of time with our baby boy--especially Whitney--and we really did our best to make it feel like home.  With the help of Whitney's sisters and sister-in-law, we were able to decorate the crib area with a colorful banner and an origami crane mobile that I managed to hang from the ceiling without falling off the ladder.

It was also very important to us that we have a picture of Jesus in the room, so we mounted one of Whitney's favorites just above the changing table.  Above the picture we hung a photo of the Mt. Timpanogos Temple that was taken the day of our wedding, which to me is honestly better than any picture that could have been purchased at a store.  Finally, next to the picture of the Savior is a small mirror, so that the baby can look at himself while being held and changed and see himself next to his Elder Brother.

Yes, I'm very happy with the room.  I'm also sure we went overboard in some cases, but as a first time parent I'm completely alright with that.  Not only did we buy the Angelcare baby monitor that detects sound, temperature, and whether or not the baby is moving so as to prevent SIDS, we also decided to get a video monitor that I mounted on the wall so that we can check on the baby any time at night.  It is actually very handy and can be accessed from our laptops or from an iPhone app.  Knowing how we were when we transitioned our puppy into another room, I know that we'll be pretty paranoid about our baby in his crib at night for the first little while, and it will be nice to quickly calm any fears by checking up on him without waking him up by opening the door.

But preparing ourselves physically is only a small part of what is to come.  It has been so crazy for me to think about the this next week.  Within the next few days, I will be changing diapers.  I'll be rocking and singing a little baby to sleep.  I'll be burping him over my shoulder.  I'll be a daddy.

I have had a lot of time to think about this, mostly while laying in bed in the middle of the night.  I feel like a movie reel is constantly rolling through my head.  During my sleeping and waking moments, I have visions of loading a baby into his car seat, holding him on my lap to play with him, pushing him in a stroller, and just looking into his beautiful, shining eyes.

While I'm also terrified of being responsible for another life, I am extremely excited to be a father and can honestly say that I am looking forward to it with bated breath.  Over the past year of being married and the time leading up to it after Whitney became a part of my life, I have been happier than I can remember.  I'm sure that the same thing will happen when our little boy officially joins our family, and my level of happiness will skyrocket.  I am so blessed to have such a wonderful opportunity to be a dad and am so thankful for my incredible wife and everything she has had to endure during this long pregnancy.

Let the adventure begin!

A Time for Giving Thanks

I attended church today knowing, as this is the last Sunday before Thanksgiving, that I would be hearing several talks all bearing the subject of gratitude and giving thanks.  What I didn't know, however, was how much this would affect me and cause me to turn my mind inward on all of the reasons that I have for which to be thankful.

This past year has been one unlike any other for me, with so many changes in my life and so many experiences, both great and difficult.  That is why I am going to dedicate this blog post to try to put into words my gratitude for the wonderful blessings I have in my life.


My incredible wife Whitney
One year ago, I was engaged to be married to the most amazing, beautiful, incredible woman I had ever met.  I am pleased to say that, even after being married for 10 months now that I have a better marriage than I could ever have hoped for.

Whitney is the most loving individual that I know.  She truly understands me and blesses my life every second that I am with her.  She has given my life new meaning and has loved me more than I ever thought I could be loved.

Growing up, I always dreamed of having a wife that loved me as much as I loved her.  However, I never really thought that this would be the case.  As hard as I tried to envision it, I always saw myself in a relationship with someone who didn't reciprocate, or never put as much effort into the relationship as I did.  However, I was beyond blessed to find Whitney...or rather, for her to find me.

I can honestly say that Whitney is my biggest fan.  She supports me in everything that I do, and truly makes me feel like I matter.  I enjoy my time with her more than anything else, and can't begin to express how happy I am that we get to be together forever.

Becoming a dad
Whitney is now 22 weeks pregnant with our baby boy.  This is the most exciting, yet terrifying event I've experienced.  But I am really looking forward to being a dad.  I've been hit again and again with glimpses into the future; whenever I get to feel the baby kick, whenever I see a little boy staggering up and down the floor at church or in grocery stores, and especially when I spend time with my nephews.

While I know it's going to be hard in a lot of ways, I couldn't be more excited for the day when I get to hold him in my arms for the very first time, and I'm really looking forward to every moment I get to spend with him throughout the rest of my life.

My wonderful family
I have been incredibly blessed to have been born into an amazing family who loves me and has done everything they can to bring me up right and to be there for me in my time of need.  My parents are so great.  I have a mom who is always willing to give a listening ear and who is always there for me when  I need her.  I can't even begin to count the number of times I've had a heart-to-heart with her while growing up after having a difficult or stressful day.  She is also such a wonderful mother-in-law to Whitney, and that has been a huge blessing in both our lives.

My dad has also been there for me throughout my entire life and has always been willing to help me with anything.  Whenever I need help, he is there and ready to give 100%.  He has been an incredible example to me of service and generosity, and he has helped me to become the man that I am today through all of his life-lessons, whether they were intentional or unintentional.

I am also very lucky to have two siblings that are also my best friends.  I feel like we broke the mold (at least to some degree) when it comes to the stereotype of sibling rivalry.  Rather than fight, we played with each other and did everything with each other.  Even today, I believe that we really respect and love each other and continue to teach each other every time we're together.  I'm also grateful to have a great new brother-in-law who I love just as much.

When I married Whitney, I also inherited some incredible in-laws.  I have a mother- and father-in-law who I love very much and who have been great examples to me.  They have really welcomed me into their family with open arms, as have my brothers- and sisters-in-law, and I have been so grateful to have them all in my life.  It is also so wonderful to finally be an uncle, and to 3 nephews and 5 nieces!

My job
Sometimes with how stressful my job can be, I forget to consider it a blessing.  But in reality, I am so grateful for the job that I have and how much it has helped me in my life.  I work at a company that is on the cutting edge of technology, which is exactly where I've wanted to be.  I work in a great atmosphere doing what I love, and with great people.  I have an income that allows me to provide for my family, as well as unbelievably good benefits.  It is also so breathtaking to work somewhere where I feel like I can truly grow and expand my knowledge and skill set, and where I feel like I can continue for years to come.

Bronx
Yep, even as mischievous as he can be, I'm very grateful for the little wiener dog.  He has been such a fun addition to our home, and is such a lovable little creature.  He always makes us laugh with his funny antics and, even though he's still just a puppy who makes mistakes, he is getting better with his training every day, whether it is to ring the bell by the door to go potty or to stay out of the kitchen while we're cooking or eating.  He is also very in tune with our emotions.  If someone is upset or emotional, he will trot over immediately to provide whatever comfort he can.  He is truly a good dog, and I am happy that we have him.

I could easily go on and on, and end up turning this blog post into a novel.  But I am just so thankful for everything--and everyone--I have in my life, and for all of the support that have been given from everyone around me.  I'm challenging myself to be more aware of these blessings and gifts throughout this next week and do my best to remember that this week isn't about the turkey or about the Christmas shopping, but about expressing gratitude for everything we have.

Taught by a Nightmare

I woke up to a nightmare last night.  Not one of those nightmares involving monsters or ghosts, but one of those that caused me to wake up in a cold sweat and that continued to bring itself to the front of my memory all morning, bringing with it the same sense of unease and anxiety.

I dreamed that, for some reason or another, I was being admitted into a penitentiary.  Whether or not I was guilty or innocent of the crime that was committed wasn't important or made known in the dream, but it was known that I would have to be locked up for at least one year. 

While the details of the dream were and are hazy, I remember more vividly the feelings and emotions that were felt while I was asleep and trapped in that situation.

As I stood in line, waiting my turn to be processed by my old mission president (who was the official in charge for some reason), my mind turned inward as I began to reflect on the situation. 

I've always been the kind of guy that tries to find the silver lining in difficult situations and to look on the bright side of things.  This was the same case in this dream.  As I thought about the confinement that I would be in, my mind thought that at least I would be able to catch up on a lot of reading and studying without interruption.

However, as soon as that thought crossed through my mind, it was followed by a sickening feeling of dread as I realized how much I would be missing.  I would be away from my wife.  I would be away from my parents and my family.  And worst of all, I would miss the birth of my firstborn child.

I wish that I could say that I woke with a start upon feeling those emotions, but I had to endure what felt like an eternity of those feelings before my back pain finally jolted me awake, followed by my alarm shortly thereafter.

As I mentioned earlier, even after being awake I was plagued by the memories of this nightmare, that my memory unwillingly recalled over and over again while I prepared myself to go to church.  Sitting in sacrament meeting, I was still bothered by the dream, and prayed silently for comfort.  It was at that time that a feeling of understanding came over me about the dream that I had.

It's always been in my nature to be able to get immersed in projects, studies, and solo activities, whether they be something music-related (such as practicing the guitar for hours at a time and/or writing music), something technical like building a website or learning and reading up on technology that I work with or want to know more about, and/or even just reading for entertainment and leisure.

With life being so busy these days, those things have nearly become a thing of the past.  After working full-time at a satisfying yet stressful job, I come home and simply want to spent time with my wife.  I no longer sit in front of my computer with my guitar in hand, wearing headphones, or sit down with my Kindle in hand for hours at a time.  There just isn't time.

But what this dream has brought to my realization is that this doesn't matter.  The thing that means the very most to me in my life is my family, and it always will be.  More and more, in fact, as my family continues to grow.

This week is very special for me and my wife, because on Wednesday we will finally get to find out the gender of our little baby.  My thoughts on what it will be changes almost every day, but I will be absolutely thrilled whether it be a girl or a boy.

Yesterday, my wife and I were able to do a lot of work to prepare for the baby's coming.  We worked on cleaning out the baby's future room, which still had been completely full of wedding gifts that we haven't been able to use or return yet.  We swapped out and hung drapes in the living room and two of our bedrooms.  We also finally got to move our dog's crate from our bedroom to the computer room, now that we finally have some drapes that will keep it dark when it's time for him to take his naps.

It was really wonderful to spend the day like that yesterday.  It was a lot of work and my wife and I were both pretty sore by the time we were finished, but it felt amazing to know that we were preparing for the new addition to our family.  I think about our little baby every single day and how great it will be when the time finally comes to meet him or her.  I already know that it will be a sacred experience for me and Whitney.

I love my wife very much.  She is my rock and my reason for waking up every morning.  I love every second I get to spend with her and am so excited that I have all of eternity to be by her side.  Some of my favorite moments that I've had since being married were just lying in bed with her talking about our day, or worries, our excitements, or anything else that came to mind.  She is the best person to talk to and I think we are each other's therapy in a lot of ways.

Having said that, it is no wonder why my nightmare affecting me so heavily.  The thought of being far from my wife, my child, and the rest of my family was--and is--unbearable.  I'm no psychologist, but I think that this was the primary fear that was manifesting itself to me while I slept.  But, as traumatizing as it was for me, I am grateful for the realization that was presented to me of exactly what my priorities are.

I know now without a doubt, as I'm sure I did before the dream as well, that my family is my highest priority in life, and I will do everything in my power and with all of my energy to make them happy and to be worthy of the eternal marriage that Whitney and I established on the first of February this year.

Building Our Family

It's certainly been a while since I've written a post about something other than music, and in that time my life couldn't have changed more dramatically.  The girl of my dreams said yes when I asked her to marry me, we bought and moved into our condo in Saratoga Springs, and began our new life together.  We have now been happily married for eight months.

I'll be the first to admit that life was turned on its head for me, as I'm sure it was for my wife.  Going from a life of being single and not having to worry about things like rent or utilities to having the responsibility of providing for a family, paying a mortgage and other bills, and just being the patriarch of a home has yielded its fair share of stress. 

However, through all of those stressful times (which are certainly ongoing), I have been blessed to have a loving wife at my side.  There are few things as comforting as knowing that I have a wife waiting for me at home, with whom I can confide in and who is always willing to listen and to share my burdens.

On the other side of the coin, I am so grateful for the movements when I am able to be there for my wife when she feels stressed or worried, when she falls ill, or just needs someone to hold her. 

Some of the most sacred moments that I've experienced over the past few months were when Whitney or I have felt that overbearing feeling of anxiety or stress, and have turned to either other for help.  I hope that I have been able to help her as much as she had helped me, because she had done so more often than I can count.  

Whitney is incredibly skilled at reading my emotions and knowing how to be there for me. Sometimes she's able to help me understand the anxieties that I'm feeling about work or other worries that I haven't even been able to come to terms with myself.  She is an incredibly good listener and shows an empathy greater than anyone else I know.  Whether this comes from her degree in Psychology or a wife's intuition, I don't know, but I certainly appreciate it. 

While I definitely don't feel like I measure up in terms of knowing the best way to be there for my wife, or to comfort her in the way that she needs most, I am definitely trying my best, and believe that she knows that.

One of my favorite traits that Whitney has is the bravery to always ask for a priesthood blessing whenever she feels sick or is mentally or emotionally strained, or just needs some extra help.  She also has an incredible faith in the Priesthood and in my worthiness as a priesthood holder and knows that the blessings are ore than just words and that they truly have a positive effect in her life.  I am so honored to have this unique opportunity to bless her life, and really look forward to these times. 

Marriage is not an easy thing, but it is definitely an enjoyable thing. When I think back on my life without Whitney by my side, I have no idea how I was able to make it.  She has been my rock as much as I hope that I have been hers. 

We now have the wonderful blessing of knowing that our family is soon to get even larger, as Whitney is currently 14 weeks pregnant.  I will never forget that moment when I got to see the first ultrasound and see the throbbing heartbeat of the small child--our small child--that is growing inside of her. Seeing that heartbeat caused my own to feel like it was trying to beat its way out of my chest, and I was overwhelmed with the feeling of how real the situation had become.  One very powerful thought filled my mind and hasn't left me since that moment:  I'm going to be a father. 

While I'm nervous and anxious about how this huge event will chang my life, and how I will be able to step up to the task of being a father, I am extremely excited and can't wait for the moment to arrive.  I also know that I couldn't have asked for a better mother for my children.  Whitney has been so incredible to me that I have no doubt at all that she will be an exceptional mother.

The time is drawing nearer each day and there is still a lot to do to prepare for the coming of our baby, but I couldn't be happier.  I am so grateful for Whitney and her sacrifices with being pregnant. I love her with all my heart and so am thankful that we are able to make our little Shurtliff family even bigger.