Definitions aren't just a part of the dictionary. I believe that everyone has their own definition. This may sound pretty cheesy, like something that would be the plot of some high school-themed movie about jocks, nerds, and drama geeks, but it's true.
Not only do definitions apply to everyone, but for the most part people define themselves. It may be a subconscious thing, or it may be physical. But needless to say, it happens. To know how your life is defined, you just have to think what it would say next to your name if you were to look yourself up in the "dictionary of life."
I mention all of this because I have come to recognize that I have come to recognize the definition that I've given of myself, especially in the past three years, if not longer. In reality, I'd have to say it's been for about the past six. And, essentially, I have defined myself as a musician.
I have always been, for the most part, a shy guy. Although I like sports, I've never been a super jock and haven't played on any high school teams. I'm not the guy that can effortlessly walk up to a cute girl that I see in the hallway and get her number, and although I think I'm a pretty approachable, interesting guy, I'm not the attention-seeker in a class that shouts out funny comments to get laughs.
But all of that is different when I have a guitar in my hands. When I am performing in front of people, I know no fear. I have no problem running and jumping all over the stage, being crazy and acting like a rock star. It's like second nature to me. I have always said that music is my "out," a way for me to come out of my shell and to show a different side of me.
I love every aspect of music. I can easily spend hours sitting down with my bass, my acoustic guitar, or on the piano, meticulously plucking away at notes trying to come up with something cool, or trying to learn how to play my favorite songs or tweak them to my liking. I love how lyrics can be seamlessly intertwined with music to create a work of art as well. In fact, even while I was on my mission in Brazil, I spent my down time on preparation days sitting down with a notepad and a pen, scribbling down lyrics that one day I hoped to blend with some music.
I have also really thrived at playing the part of the "musician," playing in shows, practicing with a band comprised of my best friends, writing music, performing covers, recording albums, and self-promoting with every chance I got. I loved the feeling of arriving at a venue with my gear, setting up, and walking on stage to play music that I had a part in writing to fans who paid money to see me play. It is a pretty remarkable feeling.
Although music always took the primary spot on the importance scale in the musician's world for me, I really enjoyed being able to inform people of my music. It was nice to let people know that I played in a rock band, and to let them listen to my music. I enjoyed mingling with other bands and venue owners to talk music, and to plan events. I adored hitting the social media outlets to let our followers know of new music being written, upcoming shows, and let them share in the life that I had.
Unfortunately, much of what I have said was in the past-tense. Over a course of the past few weeks and months, much of this life took a brutal hit, and shook my entire life. For the first time in three years, I had to ask myself the question, "where do I go from here?" My band, as well as my way of life, began to dissolve around me, and it forced me to take a step back and attempt to perceive how exactly my life was defined.
I have spent the last three years knowing that band practice and shows, like paying taxes, was a surety and would be a regular occurrence. Even with living the life of a rock musician, I had a very structured life. However, suddenly the walls have come crashing down and I feel like I am standing in the middle of a whole, wide world with many directions to take.
I suppose that in many ways this is a good thing. It helped me understand that I do have options in my life, and it helped me to realize what it is that I truly want to accomplish in my life, and that I have the power to make my own decisions. But at the same time, it frightened me to take a look at my life and ask, "who am I when you take away the music?"
Suddenly, my life felt pretty empty. A spell of depression hit as I realized that music is a very large chunk of my life. Without music, I am a guy working at a low-paying job while I finish up my Bachelor of Science degree in Information Technology. I am a guy with no girlfriend, on no sports team, and with a large pool of acquaintances but a small circle of friends. I am a guy with a lot of free time, with no easy solution as to how to fill it.
But at the same time, looking closely at my life, it helps me to see exactly what I do have as well. I am a guy who is only semesters away from having a 4-year college degree. I am a returned LDS missionary who speaks fluent Portuguese, and who is true to his faith. I am a certified computing expert who is very skilled technologically. I am a kind, humble, funny, personable guy who enjoys people and is fun to be around. And, of course, I am a musician, being musically talented.
In essence, when I look back, music is a very large part of my life, but it is not the only thing in my life. Perhaps it was the perfect time for me to discover that. I still enjoy music, and believe that I will always be able to consider myself a musician. Whether I continue with the same group of musicians, find a new one, or continue to improve my musical abilities on my own, I will always have the passion for music that I always have, and will always let the power of music enrich my life.
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